


all over me like a wine stained shirt i can't wear anymore

by loumymind



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Lilo angst, M/M, basically just liam pining over louis the whole time, like a lot, lilo, theres a lot of swearing in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-08
Updated: 2015-01-08
Packaged: 2018-03-06 18:15:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3143903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loumymind/pseuds/loumymind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I wanted to tell you so many times," Liam whispers into the growing space between them. Physically they're no further apart than they were a few minutes ago, before Liam had said all the words he'd kept in for so long. But he can feel the way they're growing apart by the second, the tight friendship they had formed dissolving at the seams. "But you were so happy." </p><p>                 Louis stares at him with a hauntingly blank expression. He gives one slow nod then turns on his heel and before Liam can even call after him, he's gone. </p><p>                That's it, then. That's how he loses his best friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	all over me like a wine stained shirt i can't wear anymore

**Author's Note:**

> Basically I saw a quote that said "I wanted to tell you some many times, but you were so happy" and a spiralling angsty Lilo fic came out of it. I have a serious problem with angst. 
> 
> This is all fiction, based off the members of One Direction, but nothing implies anything about their actual lives. It's all just my imagination.

**I kno ur avoiding me**

            It's from Niall, the final of a long string of texts trying to get Liam to talk to him. It's not that he's avoiding him, per say. He just knows what Niall wants and he's not ready to talk about it, yet. He's not sure that he'll ever be ready. The conversation at dinner last night is still swirling around in his head and even though he feels like he's all cried out tears still manage to prick his eyes when he focuses on it too intently.

 

          There’s a sudden pounding on the door and he groans and buries his head further down into the couch cushion. “Go away,” he calls pointlessly. Niall has a spare key to his flat.

          Niall’s feet are on the floor in front of him and the couch dips a bit as he falls on to the next cushion. “Fuck you. Been trying to get a hold of you all day, you missing your phone or something?”

         Liam doesn’t answer him.

          “Apparently not,” he snorts while reaching up to kick Liam’s phone on the coffee table. “Had to drive all the way here to make sure you weren’t dead or something.”

          “I’m alive.”

          “Barely. When’s the last time you got off this couch?”

          Liam has to take a moment to think about that. “When I ran out of beers, had to fetch more from the fridge.”

          “Reckon we’re going to address the giant elephant in the room?” Niall’s voice is gentle and when Liam looks up at him he’s got a very soft expression.

          “Not unless you plan on shooting me afterwards,” Liam replies hollowly as he flips himself over and on to his back before sitting up. He probably looks like shit, he’s been shitting alone on his couch for about sixteen hours watching romantic comedies, crying and drinking.

          “I saw the look on your face, Li,” Niall tells him with a pat on the back.

          “I _don’t_ want to talk about it.” Liam can feel the moisture pooling in his eyes and as much as he tries to blink them away he can’t stop some of the tears from falling down his cheeks.

          “Are you in love with him, then?”

          Liam inhales a sharp breath. It's the first time he's ever heard it out loud. The first time anyone has been in on the conversation but him. Sure, he's thought about it at length. He's thought the words late at night, when he's lonely and can't sleep and just wants to be next to him. Liam has thought about it when he hears his laugh, soft and menacing all at once. It's the first thought he has in the morning and the last one, after a long day.

          "It doesn't matter." It _doesn't_. It may be everything Liam ever thinks about but it can't matter because he'll never have him.

          "It matters." Niall's reaching out, wrapping his arms around Liam's shoulders.

          "He's getting married." Liam is crying now, shaking in Niall's arms. "He's getting married and I'm in love with him."

          "Fuck," Niall murmurs against Liam's head. "I'm so sorry."

******

“The fuck you mean, you’re not coming?” Zayn challenges as he loads multiple bags of crisps into the cart.

          Liam just finished telling him that he wouldn’t be able to make it to the surprise engagement party that ‘they’ were planning. Harry was in charge of music, Niall the guest list, and Zayn and Liam were in charge of supplies. Liam was mostly just hanging back as Zayn made selections, trying not to think about the happy couple.

          “Not dill pickle,” Liam mumbles instead, picking the package up replacing it back on the shelf. Zayn stares at him like he has six heads.

          “What?”

          “He hates it.” Liam throws an extra sour cream and onion and puts that in the cart. “Louis,” he clarifies. “He hates dill pickle. The smell of it makes him sick.”

          “Why are we talking about crisps? You just said you’re not coming to the party.”

          “I told you, I’m busy with work.”

           “Your best friend is getting _married_ ,” Zayn reminds him as if he actually needs reminding. As if it hasn’t been the only thing he’s thought about for three days, as if he hasn’t been avoiding everything and everyone in favor of eating cupcakes and watching chick flicks. “You can blow off work for his surprise party.”

 

          “I can’t make it,” Liam says in a hard tone. He wants Zayn to know that it’s the end of the discussion, mainly because he’s not sure how far into it he can get without breaking down.

          “You can’t make it?” Zayn echoes. “You can’t fucking make it? We’ll see what Harry and Niall have to say about this.”

          “Zayn...” Liam says helplessly. He’s not sure what he can say to make Zayn understand that doesn’t sound like _I’m so hopelessly in love with him and I can’t bear to see him happy with anyone else_.

          “What’s going on?”

          “I can’t...” Liam shakes his head.

          “You can’t what?” Zayn’s holding a bag of crisps to his hip and he’s staring at him so intently now. Liam’s sure everything is written right across his face, and he’s right. Zayn drops the bag into the cart and his face falls from it’s confusion into complete sympathy. “Oh, _Liam_ , no,” he murmurs.

          Three days ago Liam was okay with keeping the fact that he was completely in love with his best friend a secret, and now here he was about to break down into the middle of a Tesco, with two of his other best friends knowing. Everything was beginning to fall apart, but Zayn’s hug was keeping him together for the moment, anyway.

*****

“I know I was giving you shit earlier, Li, but you really don’t have to do this,” Zayn tells him, meeting his gaze through their reflections in the mirror as he ties up his tie. “I understand.”

          “Yeah,” Niall chimes in from where he’s lying on his back on Zayn’s bed. “We get it.”

          Liam does have to do it, though. He has to go to the party and he has to congratulate Louis and listen to him recount the story of his proposal and talk wedding details. He has to smile and talk polite with Eleanor and act like everything is fine. Because the alternative is to not go to his engagement party and then what? Not go to his bachelor party, not go to his wedding? Not go to any of his friends future weddings for fear that he might have to see them together?

          He has to learn to face this because the alternative is losing Louis as his friend and that’s just not an option for him. They’ve been friends since their last year of high school, when Liam had switched schools mid way through. He sat by Louis in his first class of the morning and by lunch time he was sitting at their table with Harry, Niall and Zayn. They’d all stayed inseparable through university. And Liam has loved him, he thinks, since they very first time he watched Louis invite him into his friends group that first day.

          “I have to go,” Liam says flatly while staring at his suit clad reflection. “He’s my best friend.” It hurts to say. There had been a time when Liam thought that he and Louis could be more. They were at a bar and Louis was really drunk. Louis’ dorm room wasn’t too far so Liam decided to walk him home because he was complaining that he’d be sick if he got into a cab and Liam didn’t want to pay for that cleaning.

_“Stop, we need to stop!” Louis had slurred, pulling on Liam’s sleeve._

__

_“You going to be sick, Lou?” Liam had asked. His arm was slung around Louis’ waist, trying to hold him up._

__

_“No. Not sick. Just...” Louis held his head in his hands and then shook it. “Fuck,” he grumbled into his hands. “You’re like, proper beautiful, Liam.”_

__

_“What?” Liam had whispered. Surely he had heard Louis wrong._

__

_But he didn’t because Louis lips were suddenly on his and they were kissing. He wasn’t prepared for what was happening, he’d thought about it so many times over the past year of knowing Louis, and then it was suddenly happening with no build up. Louis tasted of cheap shots and he smelled like cigarette smoke, clinging to Liam by the collar of his plaid shirt. He’d thought about this so many times before and it was happening nothing like he’d expected it but something clicked in his head. He was kissing Louis._

__

_He took control then, his hands grabbing at Louis hips and pushing his back so he was pressed against the brick wall. Louis whimpered into his mouth, his hands roaming around Liam’s back and Liam growled in return. He didn’t know how to control himself, he was hungry for Louis and he’d been wanting this for so long. He bit down on to his lip and fisted his hands into his hair._

__

_Louis twisted his neck and Liam ended up catching his cheek with his mouth instead. “Stop,” Louis murmured weakly. He went very stiff in Liam’s arms. He immediately dropped them and took a step back._

__

_“Louis...”_

__

_Louis just shook his head, ran his fingers through his fringe to try and settle it back against his forehead. “It’s... I should get home.”_

__

          Liam had walked him home after, even though Louis had insisted multiple times that he was fine and he didn’t need Liam to look out for him. Thanks, mom, he’d teased while he’d struggled to unlock the door. Liam had stood there, bewildered for a couple of minutes, after Louis had shut the door without a goodbye. The next day he’d acted like nothing had happened and Liam sucked it up and forced himself to do the same, convinced that Louis had just been confused and lonely and Liam was next to him.

          “I have to go,” Liam repeats to Niall and Zayn. “Let’s get this over with.”

          “That’s the spirit,” Zayn laughs while clapping him on the back.

          “We love you, Li,” Niall reminds him.

          “I know. Me too.” With one last fleeting look to the mirror, Liam forces himself to smile and then turns towards the door.

*****

Louis hadn’t been surprised. Liam could tell when he walked through the door and faked his expression, holding his hand over his chest. Eleanor made a big fuss and pressed her palms against her cheeks, saying “ _oh my god_ ” over and over again as she hugged herself to Louis’ side.

          They were making their rounds, hugging and thanking everyone. Liam was hanging back at the bar, or well, Harry’s kitchen counter that had been reconverted into a bar, nursing his drink.

          “Hey, Liam,” Perrie giggles, drunkenly bumping their hips against one another's. "They seemed surprised, yeah?"

          "Yeah," Liam lies. He wonders if Perrie is just too drunk to actually notice how fake Louis' reaction was, or if he just knows him so well, notices so much, that he was the only one who could really tell. He's not sure if Eleanor was surprised. He doesn't know her, and frankly he thinks Louis doesn't either. Maybe he's bitter but they'd been dating six months. It seemed a bit rushed to him.

            Which was part of the reason this had hit Liam so hard. He hadn't expected Louis to go out and propose to her yet. He didn't even think they were really that serious. Louis hardly ever brought her around, he never spoke about her to his friends - not Liam, at least. Liam didn't know he was like in love with her. It hurts.

             Perrie is looking at him expectantly.

             "What, sorry?" He asks, realizing he hadn't been listening to her at all.

             "Seen Zayn?"

              "Oh," he mumbles. "Um, no, I haven't. Maybe he went for a smoke. I'm going to go have one, if he's out on the balcony I'll send him in."

             Perrie thanks him with a big sloppy kiss to his cheek.

              He's alone when he gets to the balcony, thankfully. He fishes around his pocket for his pack and lighters. It's an instant relaxation, as soon as he inhales and the toxins burn his throat. He should really quit, his mum yells at him about it all the time. He'll worry about that when he's got less on his plate, when his life isn't seeming to fall apart.

            The door shuts with a loud clank behind him and he freezes. He prays it's not Louis, he's been avoiding him and his gaze all night. Zayn, Niall, one of Eleanor's coworkers... Anyone but.

            "There you are!" Louis exclaims, because Liam has no luck except bad luck. "Jesus, been looking for you!"

             Liam exhales impossibly slowly, conscious of Louis' eyes studying him. He watches the smoke curdle into a grey cloud, mixing with the frigid air. "Been around," he answers cooly.

          Louis makes a confused face at that then shakes it off. Liam sort of wants to punch him in the throat. It's not fair, Louis isn't the one he's really mad at. It's not his fault that he'll always love Liam like a brother, but not the way he wants him too. It's Liam's fault for harbouring these feelings for so long.

         "Okayyyy," Louis drawls. He takes a step closer to Liam. "You look nice, clean up well."

           _You're, like, proper beautiful, Liam_. The words chant in his head like a cruel playground taunt. "Yeah, you too." He wants to tell Louis that he's the most incredible thing he's ever seen. That his trousers frame his bum deliciously and the color of his shirt brings out the sparkle in his eyes. Friends don't say those things, so he doesn't.

            Louis smiles. "Harry thinks he was being proper clever," he tells him. "Told me to dress up, 'cause he was taking me and El to a fancy dinner. Then he _forgot_ -" Louis does those ridiculous air quotes around the word. "-he left his stove on, made us come up with him. I knew," he says proudly. "Acted right surprised though, yeah?" Louis is eyeing him carefully, rambling nonsensical. It means he knows something is wrong but he's afraid to face it. Liam wonders if there will come a time when he doesn't know Louis like this, all the small quirks and details of his personality etched into his brain like a permanent feature.

           "I could tell." Liam looks over the edge of the balcony and swallows hard.

            "Course you could," Louis tries lightly, bumping their shoulders. "You know me so well." His voice was a wavering pitch of worry. "Liam-" he starts.

          The words _I love you_ are perched so clearly on his tongue. He swallows them down and says "I have to go" instead. He drops the half smoked cigarette, stamping it out and then turns to flee inside.

         He ignores Louis calling after him, keeps going straight to the front door without his coat, passing Niall who is giving him a concerned glance.

          He doesn't stop until he's halfway down the hallway. It's the broken and confused plea that Louis lets out, a desperate call of his name, that beckons him to freeze in his place. This is Louis' big night and he's ruining it for him. As he waits for Louis to catch up he prere-plans the bullshit lie he’s going to tell him.

          “Christ,” Louis curses when they’re standing a few steps away from each other. “Why’d you run out?”

          “I’m sorry,” Liam lies.

          “It’s...fine. I have to ask you something, alright? It’s important, so don’t go running away again.” Louis smiles, all toothy and warm, and directed at _him_. Louis thinks everything is fine and they’re best friends and... Liam wants to scream at him to open his goddamn eyes. Liam can read him like a book, how come Louis has never been able to read all the things going on in Liam’s head?

          “What?”

          “Well... This is hard. I knew even before I proposed that this would be the hardest part.” Louis pauses and gives Liam’s heart a second to stop beating. “It’s just, it’s always been different with me and you, right?” He’s looking at Liam so earnestly.

          Liam can’t breathe. He wants to say _yes_ , a thousand times yes. Of course it’s different. He wants to scream that he’s in love with him and maybe it’s different because Louis loves him too and they’re so much more than just friends. Maybe the kiss _meant_ something. Maybe it _all_ meant something.

          “Anyway,” Louis continues and Liam realizes he never answered. “I want it to be you,” he grins and it’s only a second before he adds on a clarification. “My best man.”

          It’s a second too late though. Liam had given light to the flame of hope he’d long ago extinguished. He knows all it takes is one single glimmer, and the hope is there, crawling through his veins. Louis had put it out quickly but the pain that comes with it being there is too much to bare. Liam had let himself feel that before, it was like a single sip to an alcoholic. It opened up a whole new flood gate of thoughts he avoided.

           _Best man. Best friend_.

          That was all he’d ever to be to him. But Louis would always be everything to him, as long as he was in his life.

          “It was a hard choice,” Louis continues, but his voice was dropped a significant octave and when Liam pulls his eyes from the carpet to Louis face, he sees lines of worry etched into his forehead. “I mean, we’re all best mates but like... Like I said, it’s always been different with me and you, right?”

          “No,” he says much too quietly.

          Louis hears him, though, because his eyes widen and his jaw drops slack. “No?” He repeats.

          He hates the hurt look in Louis eyes, but he knows that it’s nothing compared to the way that Liam is feeling. He can’t swallow down the burning sensation, climbing up his throat and willing to be felt.

          “I mean... Yes, it’s always been different with us. But, no, I won’t be your best man.” He’s not going to put himself through that torment. If he can’t even get through his engagement party, he can’t imagine the agony of helping him pick out his tux, and writing his vows, and shopping for a ring when he really wants Louis all to himself.

          “What the fuck?” Louis screams, looking close to tears. “Why the fuck not? You’re my best friend.”

          “I’m in love with you.”

          The words are out and he can’t take them back. He’s debated saying them before, fantasized about a reality where Louis was happy about the news. But here, where Liam was stuck, he just looks angry.

          His jaw has tightened and his arms are crossed over his chest. He’s angled slightly away, now, guarded like he’s protecting himself from Liam and that hurts the most.

          He doesn’t say anything. Liam hears it all in his silence.

          He should probably give up and walk away. He feels like he owes some sort of explanation.

          “I’ve always loved you, Lou. I’m sorry that I’m telling you now, at your engagement party - fuck - but I just... I’ve always loved you. You broke my fucking heart when you kissed me-”

          Louis physically flinches at the words and Liam would have started crying at that if thick drops weren’t already scaling down his cheeks.

          “-and you acted like it never happened. You broke my heart, but I didn’t say anything because you’re my best friend and I... I wanted that to be enough for me.”

          Louis isn’t looking at him.

          "I wanted to tell you so many times," Liam whispers into the growing space between them. Physically they're no further apart than they were a few minutes ago, before Liam had said all the words he'd kept in for so long. But he can feel the way they're growing apart by the second, the tight friendship they had formed dissolving at the seams. "But you were so happy."

            Louis stares at him with a hauntingly blank expression. He gives one slow nod then turns on his heel and before Liam can even call after him, he's gone.

           That's it, then. That's how he loses his best friend.

*****

It feels a bit like deja vu. Niall sending him endless texts, begging Liam to talk to him. Only now Zayn’s been added into the mix, and there’s a few from Harry too, though he doesn’t seem to have the same clarity of the situation.

           **What happened with you and Lou?** One from him reads. **He’s been a mess ever since he talked to you.**

          Niall’s are mostly sympathetic, still prying for a bit of information. Zayn just tells him he loves him and offers him the chance to get drunk or high together.

 

          Liam isn’t answering any of them. He’s called in sick to work for the past four days. He’ll probably end up losing his job but he can’t help it. He wakes up in the morning and it hits him like a ton of bricks. He _told_ Louis. He _lost_ Louis.

          He hasn’t eaten anything in at least thirty six hours. He can’t remember when exactly, but it’d been that long at least. He still manages to find himself hunched over the toilet, dry heaving and expecting something to come up. It’s almost like a metaphor for his pain, really. He thinks about it bitterly while sitting on the cool tiles of his bathroom floor. He’s doing everything he can to rid himself of it, even though it’s causing him more discomfort. But it’s there, stuck in his throat, a constant irritating reminder.  

          He falls asleep on the couch around 4pm while watching a Duck Dynasty marathon. He doesn’t wake up until two thirty in the morning. The marathon is still on so he just resumes watching, trying to fit together the pieces he’d slept through.

          The next couple of days go exactly like that.

**  
  
**

*****

After about a week of wallowing in his own self pity, Liam finally texts Niall and tells him he can come over. The response is almost immediate, a promise that he’ll be over as soon as he’s finished work. He’ll even try and bugger of a little early, he adds in a second text.

          Liam figures he should probably shower and clean up the place a bit. Right now it sort of resembles one of those houses from the Hoarders show, something he’d stumbled upon last night while watching TLC. American television really is something else, he muses, as he dumps all of the garbage littering his coffee table into a big bag. He manages to get his sheets off the bed and into the wash, as well as the sweatpants he’s been wearing for days.

          The doorbell rings two hours before he’s expecting Niall, but the place looks half decent and he gives himself a congratulatory pat on the back as he walks across his flat to the door. It was the first time he’d managed to do anything but lie on the couch in days. So there’s that.

          _It’s all coming up Liam_ , he thinks with a bitter sigh.

          There’s a second pounding knock on the door, which is out of character for Niall who usually just texts him and tells him he’s coming in.

          It makes more sense when he sees who’s standing in front of his door, looking frantic and pissed off and terrified all at once.

          “Louis...” He manages to squeak out, his fist clenching around the brass doorknob. He doesn’t pull the door open any further to invite him in.

          “You’ve got some fucking _nerve_ ,” Louis spits at him. His eyes are narrowed into angry slits, his teeth bared a little as he breathes heavily.

          “Come in then,” he whispers, stepping aside. Louis looks like he’s pondering it for a second, shifty eyes surveying his surroundings. He pushes past Liam a second later. The door shuts with a loud slam and Liam jumps a little.

          “What the hell is wrong with you, Liam?” He demands once he’s stomped all the way to the living room. He turns quickly and stares at Louis with a demanding look. He’s an asshole. Liam loves him anyway.

          It’s a bit confusing. Here Louis is, a little ball of fury, cursing and pacing in front of him like some kind of animal. But he’s _Louis_ and Liam hasn’t gone this long without talking to him since the week that Louis went on that cruise for Spring Break while Liam had a work term. The boat didn’t have cell reception. Liam’s _missed_ him.

          “You going to say anything? You had lots to fucking say at my engagement party. Couldn’t keep your damn mouth shut then, could you?” Louis is gesturing wildly with his hands while he yells. “You ruined everything!”

          “Do you want me to apologize?” Liam whispers. His throat feels raw, he’s not sure he’s spoken out loud in days. “I’ll apologize if that’s what you want. I’m _sorry_ , Louis. I’m sorry that I told you I was in love with you. I’m sorry that I’m in love with you, actually. I’m sorry that I’ve ruined everything for you.”

          Louis’ anger crumples into a tight face and Liam can tell he’s just trying not to cry. “You ruined everything,” he repeats.

          “Yeah, well if you’d give any thoughts for anyone but yourself you’d see that it’s not so fucking easy for me, either.” Liam wipes under his eyes with the back of his hand. He can feel his skin going hot, surely it’s blotching and red.

          “You shouldn’t have told me!” Louis yells again, regaining his earlier steam.

          “I didn’t plan on it! You think this is what I want? You think I wanted to do this before your wedding?” Liam presses his palm tightly over his eyes and punches through the air with his other hand. He doesn’t want to cry anymore.

          Louis is silent.

          “Louis you’re my best friend. You honestly think I want to feel this way? God, I want to be so happy for you. I want to be your best man and I want to get to see you on the greatest day of your life. But I love you, and as much as I convinced myself I could push that aside and be your friend first, I just can’t. It hurts so much, Lou.”

 

          “You can’t just make it go away?” Louis begs. His bottom lip is quivering.

          “If I could, I would have years ago. Believe me.”

          Louis’ crying is audible now, loud deep gasping breaths that shake his entire body. Liam wants to hug him and make this all go away. Isn’t that just a bit ridiculous?

          “So what?” Louis scoffs. “That’s it then? We’re just not friends anymore?”

“We’ll always be friends,” Liam promises. “I just... I think I need some space to get over you.” He doesn’t mention how he thinks that will take a long time.

 

“What the fuck, Liam?” Louis sobs. Just like he had that night in the hallway when Liam said he wouldn’t be his best man. “I don’t want space from you. I don’t want to lose you!”

          “I just don’t see any other way.”

          “Fuck you,” Louis tells him as he stomps towards the door. “I thought you were my best friend...” The door slams behind him. It’s a moment before Liam moves. He just stands there, staring after the spot where Louis had been, mouth tucked into his palm as he let back the flood of tears he’d been keeping back.

          Niall finds him in a weeping ball on the couch when he gets there and he stays the entire night, hugging him and promising that things would be okay. Liam isn’t sure he believes him this time.

*****

Liam doesn’t stay in bed wallowing and pitying himself this time. He gets up the next morning, showers then puts on his nicest button up and heads to work to face the day. He goes out to lunch with some coworkers, eats delicious chinese food and laughs at their jokes. He even calls his mum that night when he gets home and apologizes for not having done so sooner. She’s heard about the engagement and she wants to know if he’s alright.

 

          “Not sure what I am, right now,” he answers truthfully while switching his phone from one ear to the other as he stirs the pasta he’s got cooking. “I told Louis.”

          He probably shouldn’t have disclosed that information because his mum has hundreds of questions at that and having an hour long phone conversation about him really doesn’t aid him in forgetting about Louis. He gets through it though without crying and he’s convinced it’s a little personal growth. He’s not okay, but at least he’s learning to fake it so he can exist in society again.

          He eats his spaghetti in front of the telly, flipping through the channels until he lands on the football game. He tries not to think about Louis, sitting on his own couch and watching the same match, but it’s pointless because that’s exactly what he ends up doing. He can imagine him getting frustrated and yelling at the telly when one of the players is awarded a yellow card. For a moment he wonders if Louis is thinking about him too.

          Then he sucks it up, changes the channel and keeps eating his spaghetti.

*****

“Hello?” Liam answers the phone in his office, fingers clicking away at the keyboard in concentration as he logs entries.

          “Hey,” a familiar voice says over the line. Liam’s fingers stop darting over the keys in surprise. “It’s Harry.”

          “Um,” Liam begins, leaning back in his chair. “Yeah, yeah I can recognize your voice, Haz,” he tries to laugh. He hasn’t really spoken to Harry much in the last couple of weeks. They’d had brief conversations but only with Niall or Zayn present.

          “Oh right,” Harry snickers lightly. “Silly me.”

          There’s a pause and Liam doesn’t know what to say.

          “So, Louis asked me to be his best man,” Harry tells him.

          “Is... is that right?” Liam swallows hard. He figured Harry would be the next choice, logically. He’s not surprised and it’s not like Louis wasn’t going to have a best man, so it shouldn’t make Liam’s heart sink in his chest like it does. Maybe he just wanted to believe that the wedding wasn’t actually happening.

          “I know he was planning on asking you at the engagement party... Did he ask? Or did you guys already get into your fight before? I just... I said yes because it’s the thing to do. I don’t want to step on your toes, I mean I’m sure you’ll mend things before the wedding? Long before, right?”

          Liam closes his eyes and exhales a long breath. “He asked me, I said no.”

          “You said no?” Harry echoes in a squeaky voice. “What? Why? I feel like everyone knows what’s going on but me.”

          Harry is his best friend, too. Niall and Zayn know so he supposes it’s only fair that he tells Harry, too. Though they’d figured it out on their own. “I said no because I’m in love with him, Harry.”

          There’s a very long pause but Liam refuses to be the one to break it. He leans forward again and peers at the papers scattered over his desk, trying to figure out which entry he’d last plugged in. Just as he finds it Harry’s speaking again.

          “Did you tell him that’s why?”

 

          “Yeah,” Liam answers. “I told him I’m in love with him and it was a disaster. I knew it would be, but, yeah. I told him I couldn’t be his best man and he told me to go fuck myself, basically. We’re not exactly on the best terms.”

          “But you can fix it, right?” Harry’s voice sounds almost childlike for a moment. “You and Louis are...”

          “I told him I need space, and I do, Haz. I’m sorry, I know it messes everything up for everyone but I can’t do this anymore. I have to get over him.”

          Harry coughs then sighs. “Yeah, no, I get it. I understand. I’m sorry, Liam, this is all so shit. Louis... he loves you though, you know.”

          Liam laughs at that. Of course Liam knows that Louis loves him. “Just not in the way I need him too, yeah.”

          “Niall and Zayn know then?”

          “Yeah, they kind of figured it out on their own though. It wasn’t like, I didn’t go and tell everyone but you. It wasn’t like that,” Liam promises.

          “No, yeah, I didn’t... I know. It’s a tough situation all around. I just wish everything could be okay, you guys are my best mates.”

          “That hasn’t changed, H,” Liam assures him with a sad smile even though he can’t see it. “We’re still best mates.”

          “Yeah, of course,” Harry agrees. “I know. But we’re a group of _five_. Not two separate groups of four.”

          “Yeah, I know. Sorry... Um, look, I’ve got to go. I missed a couple days of work and I’ve got a ton of catching up to do. We’ll get together for a beer soon?”

          “Yeah, of course. Alright, see you Li.”

          “Harry?” Liam blurts quickly before he has the chance to hang up. “Just... Does he really like, love her?”

          “Do you really want me to answer that? Won’t it only make everything worse?”

          “Probably. But yes.”

          “Honestly? I really don’t know, Li. It doesn’t feel like it. I’m sorry.”

          “Yeah, no, me either. Just... Wanted to know if anyone else thought the same. It’s, um, it really doesn’t matter anyway. Doesn’t change anything. I’ll talk to you later, H.” He hangs up immediately without giving him a chance to respond. He cries silently at his desk while he finishes his work for the first time in two days.

*****

          “Open uu- _up,_ ” Louis is slurring loudly as his fist pounds on the the door to Liam’s flat. He’s coming up the hallway, carrying a bag of groceries in his hand when he sees him.

          He freezes for a moment, watching the way Louis is slumped against the door, repeatedly banging on it. It only takes a minute for Liam to realize he’s drunk.

          “Jesus, would you shut up?” Liam tells him as he hurries down the rest of the hallway. “You’re going to disturb my neighbours.”

          Louis turns to him with a look of confusion then looks back at the door. “I thought you were inside,” he slurs while swaying back and forth a little. “I thought you were ignoring me.” He sounds so small when he says it, his face crumpling at the idea of Liam ignoring him.

          “No, I wasn’t. Move though, so I can let us both in, alright?” Liam fishes for the keys in his pocket and steps forward when Louis stumbles aside. He fumbles a bit as he tries to unlock it, nerves tingling his spine at the fact that Louis is right there.

          “Your flat always smells so much nicer than mine,” Louis tells him as he kicks off his shoes and walks across the room to flop down on to the couch. It’s not an unusual sight, Louis laying with his feet kicked up over the arm rest. It’s different now, somehow. They’re different.

          “Come here just to smell my flat, then?” Liam comments dryly as he continues to the kitchen to put away his frozen purchases. Louis be damned, he’s not going to let his ice cream melt for anyone.

          “What? No... Came here to see you. My best friend.” He looks like he’s going to cry suddenly. “Miss you.”

          “Yeah?” Liam answers, noncommittally. He misses Louis so much.

          “You’re my best friend.” Louis shrugs like that’s enough of an answer.

          “Can you stop saying that?” Liam snaps, quickly spinning towards the freezer, sending his back to Louis. The ice cream doesn’t seem to want to fit and he fights to get it into one of the corners. “Fuck,” he growls at it though he’s pretty sure it’s not the ice cream he’s pissed off with.

          “Why would I stop saying it? You really don’t want to be my friend anymore?” Louis demands, getting off the couch in an ungraceful rolling matter. He straightens himself up quickly then stomps towards where Liam is.

          “We’re not in grade school, Louis, god.”

          “Are you really in love with me?” Louis sound oddly sober all of a sudden. He’s looking at Liam with a sparkling clarity in his eyes.

          He almost wants to tell him no. Just like, _surprise it was all a big joke_. He almost wants that so bad, because maybe that would mean he could have Louis back. It’s a stupid idea though so he swallows it and nods.

          “Say it,” Louis says in an achingly soft whisper, taking a step forward. He’s so close that he’s all Liam can smell suddenly.

          “What?”

          “Please, just... say it.” Louis begs, looking at him with wide and terrified eyes.

          “I love you,” Liam says gently.

          Louis closes his eyes and nods. “Okay,” he whispers, taking another step closer. A of his hand reaches out to stroke the skin of Liam’s cheekbone and his other lands delicately on his hip. Liam’s entire body feels like he’s on fire from just a single touch.

          Louis slowly arches his neck upwards, breaking the small amount of space between their faces. Liam knows what’s coming but it’s like he’s frozen and can’t do anything about it. Their noses bump together like inexperienced teenagers and Louis laughs a little. It’s the most wonderful sound Liam has ever heard in his life and Louis’ breath fans against his face and he just wants to get to find out what his mouth tastes like. Not cheap shots and smoke, but Louis.

          He’s afraid to move closer, afraid that if he does anything he might scare Louis off and he wants this so bad. So he waits impatiently as Louis seems to be getting his courage up, watches with blinking eyes as Louis’ wet lips are coming closer and closer and then yes, they’re kissing. A real, soft slow and romantic kiss. Not a cheap snog like the only memory Liam’s had to go by before.

          It feels unlike any kiss Liam has ever had before. It’s sweet and Louis tastes like red wine and something else underneath, something delicious that Liam can’t get enough of. Neither one of them changes the intensity, both happy to just feel each other’s lips moving together.

          Louis pulls back after a moment. When Liam opens his eyes he's staring back at him with tears pooling down his cheeks.

          “I’m getting married, Liam.” Louis closes his eyes and presses their foreheads together. His breath fans Liam’s face. He wants to be able to taste his mouth again now that he knows what it's like.

          “I know.”

          “We can’t do this.” Louis presses his palm to his face and shakes his hand. “I’m so sorry, Liam. I’m sorry that I broke your heart, and that I put you through all of this just... You have to know that you were never alone, you weren’t the only one who was feeling this way.”

          “Why didn’t you tell me?”

          “I kissed you. It meant everything. But then I got scared and you never mentioned it, either, so I figured you didn’t feel the same way and just... It was always you. My heart was broken that night, too. It might not have been your fault but it hurt like hell. I love you, Liam.”

          “God, I love you too.” Liam wraps his arms tightly around Louis’ waist, drawing him near.

          “But I’ve already promised myself to Eleanor. We’re getting married. I owe it to her.”

          Liam stiffens quickly at the mention of her name, his arms dropping quickly to his side again. “No!” He shrieks. “If you love me... if you’re gay-”

          “I’m not gay,” Louis clarifies.

          “Fuck, you’re a coward,” Liam scoffs, because isn’t he too old to be playing this game?”

          Louis rolls his eyes. “I meant, like, I’m bi. It’s not like I’m, faking it with Eleanor or anything.”

          “Are you in love with her or are you in love with me?” Demands Liam, pushing himself back from Louis a bit.

          “You. Fuck, it’s you... Liam... but...”

          “If you seriously think you can add a but on the end of that sentence you’re a fucking idiot. You can’t marry someone you’re not in love with!” It seems like the simplest of concepts and Liam is refusing to back down. He can’t, when Louis just told him that he loves him. Call him simple but if they loved each other then wasn’t that it? Wasn’t that all that mattered?

          “It’s complicated. I proposed, Liam. We’re planning our wedding. My mum... my sisters, they’re all so excited and they love El-”

          “It’s not about them!” Liam shrieks. He wants to hit something but Louis is surrounding him and he refuses to hit him. “It’s you getting married.”

          Louis leans in again and places his lips back on top of Liam’s. The kiss is gentle and it tastes like both their salty tears, swirling together. Liam doesn’t understand any of this. Louis loves him. They should be together, damn it!

          “I’m sorry,” Louis tells him when he pulls away for the second time. But now he’s taking backwards steps, forcing a distance between them. Liam doesn’t know the right words to make him stop, he just flounders helplessly for them as he’s forced to watch him walk away for the second time. Except now he knows there’s a fucking chance and they could be so good together.

          He still hasn’t found the words long after the door had been shut and Louis was gone.

*****

Louis doesn’t answer any of Liam’s calls, so he’s really got no choice but to tell Harry everything that’s happened. He can’t just sit back and watch Louis promise himself to someone else when Liam knows he’s not in love with her. He’s in love with him.

          “Oh my... god,” Harry says in a long drawl after he’d listened to the entire story with wide eyes. Liam had started with the kiss two years ago and finished with what had happened two nights ago. He had called Zayn immediately after, taking him up on the offer to just get high and cuddle. Zayn is always the best company when you’re sad because he listens to everything you’ve got to say without constantly telling you how to fix it.

          But now Liam needs actual help, not just ears. “I can’t let him marry her.”

          “I always thought it was rushed, and I just, could never really see it, you know? It just didn’t fit together. Now it does. Holy shit.”

          “Can you, just, talk to him? He’ll probably be mad but he’s not returning any of my calls and I can’t go over there because she might... I have to do something. I can’t let him go.”

          “I know, Li, hey, it’s going to work out. I promise. He’s stubborn, but I’ll talk to him, okay? I’ll tell him what an idiot he’s being. If it’s meant to be, it will be, Li.”

          Liam’s always hated sayings like that but he nods anyway. “Thanks.”

*****

_Louis Tomlinson_ is flashing over the front of his mobile as it vibrates on the table in front of him. He takes a few deep breaths and then grabs it quickly before Louis hangs up.

          “Hi,” he squeaks into the receiver.

          “You told Harry?” Louis demands without a hello, but it hasn’t got much fire behind it.

          “I... I didn’t know what else to do,” Liam tells him helplessly.

          “I’m engaged. Telling people that I’m in love with you could kind of fuck that up.”

          Somehow Liam had hoped this conversation would go differently. It’s just so ridiculous that he spent so long wishing Louis would love him back and he does and has all this time. This should be his happily ever after already, damn it. And Louis being a fucking idiot is really standing in the way of that.

          “Maybe I want to fuck it up, Lou.” Liam’s not sure why he’s so brave suddenly but he’s fucking pissed because Louis is truly just being plain stupid now. “I love you.”

          It’s a long pause and then the words are so faint Liam almost doesn’t catch them. But they’re there, impossible to ignore. “I love you, too.”

           "That's enough! You love me, you idiot. I love you, so much. I wanted to tell you so many times and now I can. I'm not just giving up now, not when we're so close."

           Louis remains quiet while Liam breathes hard into the other end of the line.

           "It's complicated," he finally answers lamely.

           "Know what? I don't think it is. I don't think any of this is about Eleanor, this fake honouring your commitment bullshit. I think you're scared, really fucking scared. And that's shit because you're going to ruin both of your lives all because you're a fucking coward."

 

            Liam keeps his mobile pressed to his ear until the dial one starts beeping, a sick reminder that Louis isn't going to answer.

             _Good_ , Liam thinks bitterly as he flicks it across the room. It bounces off the couch cushion and lands on the floor with a thud. If Louis is going to be so dumb Liam doesn't want to waste another breath on him.

          Only that’s exactly what he ends up doing, curled onto his couch, gasping for air through sobs that rack his body, while he wishes life wasn’t quite so fucked up.

          

*****

Liam has fallen asleep by the time there’s a loud knocking on his front door. He sits up slowly, trying to process what’s happening through his sleepy haze. The clock tells him that he’d only been asleep for an hour. His eyes feel crusted, his cheeks tight from the dried tears and he tries to open them wide to get rid of the feeling.

          “Coming, coming,” he calls while stumbling through his flat, towards the door.

          “You know what? Fuck you. You have no right to call me a coward!” Louis starts yelling at him even before he’s got the door fully opened.

 

          “Why not? You are a coward.” Liam answers in a bored voice, stepping aside so Louis can stomp his way inside. It’s getting a bit repetitive, this whole Louis coming over to yell at him in a fit of rage. Liam knows it’s a front because Louis uses anger to express his actual feelings, but he’s getting tired of receiving the brunt of it.

 

         “You don’t get it!”

 

          “Yeah, I don’t get it. How can you stand here and tell me you love me then go off and get married to someone else? Do you not realize how dumb that sounds?”

 

          Louis freezes. “God... Just... Why are we yelling at each other? We never yell at each other.”

 

          “You came here and yelled at me,” Liam points out.

 

          “I didn’t mean too. I was planning on telling you-” Louis shakes his head a bit and then smiles. “I was planning on apologizing to you on the phone, and then you called me a coward and got me all pissed off...”

 

          “Where are you going with this, Lou, because I’m really tired and if you’re here to tell me we can’t be together because you’re getting married, and you’re sorry for that you might as well just leave.”

 

           Louis kisses him without answering, and even if that’s a bit repetitive too, it’s certainly not boring to Liam. It’s more heated and urgent than the last and they both end up stumbling backwards, entwined until they reach the couch and fall back on it. Liam wants to push him off because he’s not going to be someones dirty secret. But it’s not just someone, it’s Louis, and he’s been stuck being his friend for so long that anything is a nice change of pace so he keeps the kiss lingering far longer than it should, until they’ve both got their tops off and Louis is unbuckling his jeans.

 

           “Lou-” Liam whimpers, reaching out and grabbing Louis’ hand as it tugged at his zipper. “You don’t have too.”

 

            Louis looks up at him through fluttering eyelashes with the prettiest smile Liam has ever seen. "I want too." He presses a whisper of a kiss to Liam's hipbone. It's so soft and quick that Liam only knows it happened from the way his skin tingles. "I want you."

 

          “Ok- _ay_ ,” Liam chokes out as Louis palms him through his trousers.

 

           “I love you." Louis' hands dips down past the elastic waistband of Liam's pants. There's too much for Liam to focus on. On the one hand he thinks the way Louis says I love you might be the most wonderful sound he's ever heard. He says it tentatively but surely at the same time. On the other hand, well, Louis' fingers are wrapped around his dick and giving it a squeeze. So.

 

              "I love you too," He chokes out, faltering in the middle as Louis starts to stroke him. He gets a small laugh for that.

 

             "I mean it, I want you. All of you and only you, if you'll have me.” It’s so like Louis to ask these kind of things while he’s in the middle of getting Liam off.

 

            “Fuck...” Liam grunts. “Yeah, yeah, of course I will.”

 

           “So you’re my boyfriend then?” Louis asks at the same time that Liam’s body shakes with his orgasm.

 

          “You’re a fucking wanker,” Liam tells him through his heavy pants.

 

           “A wanker who’s your boyfriend?” Louis challenges with an arched eyebrows.

 

          Liam’s heart kind of flutters at that. “Yes,” he says while trying to hide his smile. “My boyfriend.”

 

          Tomorrow they would get up and deal with the fact that Louis had a fiancee he had to break things off with, and also that he had to come out to his family and friends. There were so many things that stood in the way from Liam’s happily ever after with Louis, but it was a start, and tonight they would lie here next to each other and he would enjoy that.

  
          Liam had never been happier.


End file.
